You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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