So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
