i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
