It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
