Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
