i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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