So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Houston, we have a squirter
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
