Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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