Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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