I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
