YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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