I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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