You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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