i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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