He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This is my gift to your gina
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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