I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
