my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
