My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Enjoy the penises
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
