how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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