If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
