...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize