Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
