I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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