i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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