Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
