he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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