foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
