Already got asked if we're dating
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
