Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize