The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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