I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
