i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
