...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
We got so high we made milksteak
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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