yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
