we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We have started to decorate penises.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
