How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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