Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
