I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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