I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
