ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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