she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
