After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
false alarm, still single
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
