In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
