I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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