I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
