I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
