If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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