Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
