Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
