I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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