you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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