i already hear my dad disowning me
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
