omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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