having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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