he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
