I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
