Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
