Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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