There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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